As it turns out, the resolution of my morning flat was relatively painless. I called a towing service, they took it to the dealership, the dealership managed the rest (doubly appropriate since I needed a scheduled service visit anyway). The kicker, unfortunately, was that the injury to the new tire wasn’t a manufacturing defect but a very long nail, and so the replacement wasn’t covered under warranty. Ah well.
In the meantime we’re eating well here at Stoweflake.