This is by way of apologies for infrequent updates over the last few days: some observations on how the northeast and the South look at football differently. After all, after the shellacking the Cavaliers took against Florida State this weekend, we all need a laugh:
Women’s Accessories
North: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a
fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary; that’s what dates are for.
Stadium Size
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
North: Statues of founding fathers.
South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
North: Also a physics major.
South: Also Miss America.
Heroes
North: Rudy Guliani
South: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets
North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
Campus
and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
North: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, because
they have classes on Friday.
South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the
few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
North: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game
parking.
South: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the
weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave
to
the idiots up North: who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never broadcast
from
their campus.
Tailgating
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio
station with truck tailgate down.
South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by “Dave Matthews’ Band,” who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right
in.
South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state’s third largest city.
Concessions
North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on
it,
filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
up.
South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
North: Nothing changes.
South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
North: “Nice play.”
South: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs.”
Commentary (Female)
North: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”
South: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs.”
Announcers
North: Neutral and paid.
South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear
in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
the
nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s
game.
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